Sunday, July 06, 2008

what is there to live for when there's nothing left to give?

They don't do salmon but i have no money. Nothing for gas nothing for food. No litter. Nothing. Thanks to hi cite for over charging me. And i live with a man that doesn't see a problem with asking my ex husband for some cash to get me through the week. Practically threw the phone at me. I know he just doesn't want me to suffer like this but he just doesn't understand how humiliating this is.~maha's mobil

Mobile post sent by Maharet using Utterz. reply-count Replies.

update: 9:43 pm pst (same day)
it was a pretty awful day. aside from the fact that i came home from my mom's b-day bbq to find a threatening letter from my property management co saying that i either give them my last two pay stubs of their going to give me a notice to pay or quit by the 10th. i haven't been given so many notices to pay or quit in my life and since that new management girl took over i've received over 5 notices. this started around nov of last year.

i think it's time i get a lawyer. i'm having serious financial problems. i've consolidated my bills and am doing everything i can to stay on top of things. i even went to far as to give hi-cite 25 more out of my grocery money to shut them the fuck off and get them off my back. it was the biggest mistake i could have made.

now because they've over drafted my account i had to sit on my hands all weekend long as i wait for the reversal. i had to ask a friend for money just to get home on friday and since i never got the reversal and rigid's boss has done a disappearing act on us i had to borrow money from my neighbor so i could have something to eat next week and put some gas in my car.

it all started with the cats being hungry. i had $9 in my own account so we went to the .99cent store. do you know how horrible that food is? how would you like to eat food from the 99 cent store? it's no joy and i used to HAVE to do it because i had no other choice. now that i make more money than before i find that i'm without that choice yet again. it's horrifying.

we bought salmon. morrigan hates salmon and the other cats will tolerate it, but they don't like it much either. rigid and i fought on the way up there. not really. i cried. all he did was ask me why. here's the thing. it's not a big deal shopping around for bargains when you have money. but when you're looking at spending $1 on your 4 adults cats and 1 kitten for food and then trying to put the rest of it in for gas just to get to work the next day well... life can all of a sudden get a little depressing really fucking fast.

so i bought them two bags of food. that's 2 bucks which left me with 7 for gas. that's less than 2 gal. i'd barely make it home tomorrow. so the real panic starts to set it. i'm expecting the reversal monday. then i'll have to call the bank to get a reversal of overdraft fees which would take another day to see. what if i don't see the reversal until tue...that's wed or thu by the time my bank clears up my account. um...can anyone tell me how far i'll get with 2 galls of gas in my car when i drive 25 miles one way every day? hmmmm. not far. not far at all.

i can feel the clenching in my throat and i'm trying so hard not to take it out on rigid. he doesn't understand what i'm going through. he doesn't feel it. he's sitting in the other room happy as a clam. he did his part. he's done.

when we were at the 99cent store looking for the cat food i noticed that they had quite a bit more produce than i'd ever seen before. so i decided i'd borrow money from my ex-husband. he'd already offered and i know it's not a problem, but i hate to do it. i started to cry at the check out and rigid nearly sent me to the car when he realized that it's my account that holds the 9. our joint is the one that's overdrafted. i tried to hold it together and told him what i was thinking. he tried to give me the phone to call him.

i ignored him and just kept silent. as we walked out he tried to hand me the phone again. i ignored him again, this time trying to squelch the angry feeling stirring inside. i could feel the resentment building up and i didn't want to let it out. i could already tell it would be bad. he opened my door for me, something he does very rarely, and again tried to hand me the phone. i don't know what the fuck went through my head but that's when i snapped. i snatched and the phone, missed, grabbed it, heard him say "what the fuck?" to which i said, "shut the fuck up" and i shut the door tossing the phone on the drivers seat which then bounced onto the floor by the pedals. i almost wished i had broken it.

i can't remember what he said when he got in the car, but he picked up his phone and we were on our way back. he may have tried to hand the phone to me again. i can't remember. all i could think about was, 'that's it isn't it? it's just that fucking easy for you? you need money, you stick out your hand and bam... you have it.'

it's just not that easy for me. call it pride, call it whatever the fuck you want. i don't give a shit. i don't like to borrow money. i could understand if i'm positive i'll have the money to readily pay you back but i don't. i'm spending money that i haven't made yet and i can't rely on my husband because both he and his fucking boss are completely unreliable pricks. self employed my fucking ass.

one is totally useless as an employee and the other is totally useless as a boss. two fucking losers trying to make it in this world getting me absolutely no where.

can you tell i'm still angry?

when i came home rigid and i had a talk. but of course he feels justified in getting defensive. in telling me how horrible i am because he tries so hard and i don't appreciate anything he does. well, fucking excuse me if i'm not satisfied walking into a filthy house and that the HUGE and MASSIVE effort it took you to do ONE FUCKING LOAD OF LAUNDRY AND SOME DISHES wasn't looked upon as the monumental accomplishment that it clearly is.

he made it a point to make sure i understood what a bitch i am to him all the time for not acknowledging his accomplishments. i'm sorry, but all you have to do is read the last week of posts and know that he totally lied. and i can't stand liars. don't exaggerate the things you do just to hang on to your over bloated sense of justifiability (if that even makes any sense). it doesn't work on me. as if he hasn't figured that out by now.

all that our conversation accomplished was to send me into a hyper anxiety that i couldn't break free from. i tried to breath, but all i wanted to do was smash his face in. i tried not to breath, but that just made me dizzy. dur. i tried to walk away and shake it off, but when i smashed my head up agaist the wall it didn't really work and rather than keep doing it i layed down so i could try to breath, but i couldn't breath because the ragged breaths that kept escaping my mouth were muffled by the strangled noise of what i assume was sobbing. i've never cried like that before. it's too fucking much. so much more than i'm used to dealing with. everything is just crashing down around me and i don't know how to get rid of this feeling inside. i want to break up, i want a divorce and i want my life to be over. i just want to end this all and never look back.

i want to forget the job that takes me for granted, the husband that takes me for granted, the family that takes me for granted and i want to forget the creditors, the shitty life i lead and everything. i just want it all to stop and i can't breath. every orifice was leaking on my face. if my ears could have secreted something they would have. i couldn't eve hear. i was drowining in my our mucous and i couldn't get away from it. all i could think was why. why do i fucking deserve this. why do i deserve to suffer with someone like this. what did i do wrong. what did i do to deserve such a person. to be with someone that can so completely overlook all the things i do for him, everything i provide him with and all those comforts i work so hard for only to be slapped in the face for the only thing i ask for. respect. respect the fact that i work my ass off to make money and succeed in life not by providing me with jewelry, money or other matierial things. respect me by cleaning my house, making an effort to make the little bit of money that you can and just clean my fucking house. make me a little comfortable. help take a little pressure off me and organize the bills that need to be paid, work on the register here and there. help me figure out a way to get my cats healthy so we can rehome them.

what the fuck is so hard??? what am i asking for that's so awful? am i doing it wrong? am i in some way being abusive here? what am i doing wrong???

i'm fucking crying again. FUCK. i didn't want to cry again. everytime i cry my eyes get so puffy i can barely see now. it's like my eyelids just can't take it anymore. and i love him so much. that's what pisses me off! if i didn't love him as much as i do i really would divorce him. but i do. i do because i know he really does try. it take a lot for me to help him understand but he does try in the end. and things may go well for a short while, but then it all goes back to the way it was and i have to do it all over again. i'm so fucking tired.

well, i lay there just letting it all out, but nothing was really going anywhere and i had this horrible surge of anger that i haven't felt in a long time and i smashed my fist into the headboard over and over and over again, but i didn't know rigid had been in the room wondering what i had smashed the first time (my head) and when he saw me smashing my fist he grabbed my wrist tightly, snatched up my other hand and put his knee on my arm to hold me down. as if any of that was really neccessary. now my arm is all bruised up. he grabbed me so hard it hurt worse than the pain on my knuckles. i swore the next time he did that to me i'd leave him. but wasn't his fault and he says he didn't even realize he did that. i know better yet, here i am.

as soon as he saw i wasn't moving anywhere he told me he'd get my clonopin. he rummaged around for it as quickly as he could and brought it over to me with a glass of water. i wasn't facing him, but i know he was shaking a little when his fingertips touched mine to hand me that little blue pill. it's been a long time since i've needed one of those, but i took it and gulped down my water. my body was on fire. i tried to breath and calm down, but i couldn't. i couldn't stop screaming or crying. i couldn't make those feelings of desperate hopelessness go away. and it's more than desperate hopelessness. it's like you mom, husband, favorite aunt and barely born baby being blown away to tiny little pieces in front of your very eyes. bit's of flesh and body parts flying past your head and a leg smashing you in the face. you would go absolutely fucking insane in an instant and go completely numb just as quickly. i couldn't get control for the life of me.

i don't know how i didn't it, but i knew rigid wouldn't be able to do anything to help me and i felt like i was about to pass out so i got up, started to tear off my clothes and somehow got rigid to understand that i needed to get into the shower. he couldn't get it on fast enough. he was so freaked. he was trying to get the water cool enough, but couldn't do it so i just got it and tried to adjust it myself. he even closed the bathroom window for me to allow me to cry. i didn't know it, but he stood there with me the whole time behind the curtain. he was just waiting for me to stop crying and knew that it should only take about 5 to 10 min more. i cried for another 20 min though towards the end the ragged sobs had turned into a strange breathy whining. it's hard to explain. i washed my hair, shaved and even used an aromatherapy sugar scrub on my legs. it was a little calming and i did feel better. rigid would poke his head in here and there to make sure i was okay. i've never tried to commit suicide. well, that's a lie, but i was only 14 and they were only antihistamins. a very low dosage. all it did was put me to sleep and i don't even think it was the pills.

i have too many things to do before i would ever attempt something like that and trust me. i doubt i would leave a note. all someone would need to do would be to check all my web accounts, my bills and my desk at work. they would be immaculate. if they're not it means i died abruptly. maybe someone will kill me for me. maybe an orange vendor will toss a bag at me as i drive by and smack me in the head with it lobbing my head off into the passenger seat. oops.

i got out of the shower and rigid had a towel ready for me and he helped me into my robe. he pushed me too far. and he knew it. i didn't need to remind him. i also didn't need to apologize. he knows i hate letting him see me like that. after a while we continued to argue a bit. mostly snide remarks from me and him just sort of taking it. he just sat there and didn't say much. that's what sucks about these fucking anxiety attacks. it makes him think that i don't want his imput or things that if he says something wrong he'll freak me out again. yeah, i get that, but's one thing to have a different opinion and another to bring up things that #1 have nothing to do with the conversation or #2 are a complete fabrication of your deluded mind then try to throw those things at me as if they're just and right.

there's so much more to that than i'm able to express here or that i even have time to express, but that's about as much as i can elaborate. i have another 6 min before i absolutely have to go to bed and i think i'd rather smoke a fucking cigarette before i do.

i lay there with a towel on my head and wrapped up in my robe with an ice pack on my eyes in the hopes that it would keep down the swelling. didn't help much.

eventually i told him that if we do borrow the money he should get it from his friends. since he doesn't have a problem borrowing money he should be the one to do it not me. besides, although it's not his fault our account over drafted, it is his fault we're in this mess to begin with. i'm just trying to hold all the pieces together.

if i had my way 2 years ago we wouldn't have nationwide calling, dish network or highspeed internet. we couldn't have the best possible cell phone plan with the greatest data plan and i never in a million years would have bought the car he "so desperately" needed. but i'm an asshole. and i'm still paying for it.

we went back to the 99cent store for some produce and goodies to hold us through the week. put some gas in my car and bought better cat food at the market. the cats were starving, but clearly weren't hungry enough to eat shit. so, we ate hot dogs from the 99cent store and my cats ate their purina like queens. let's not forget the little grendel king.

we only have 16 bucks left and i hope that i can make it most of the week without having to touch it for gas, but that's just me being hopeful. i don't do hopeful very often.

i wrote this way too fast and i don't have time to check for errors so take it as you will. sorry for mistakes in grammar and spelling...i don't care much about that either as you can tell.

time to gather the pieces of my life and put them back together one by one. i think it's also time to cut off the telephone bill and deal with the discount fee's they threatedned to charge me back with if i did. let them take me to collections for it. i need that 150 a month. i always say that and i never do it.

what the fuck am i going to do? i need to get my cat's healthy, pay my bills, catch up, go to the dr so i can find out why my hair is falling out, my ear hurting, my feet peeling and my wirsts cracking constantly. but i can't see...cause that costs money. i have the best bluecross ppo you could ask for. problem is that i get stuck with 80% of the lab fees. nice. i can't even afford to go to the dr anymore.

you tell me what the fuck i have to live for. i'd really like to know.

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