Thursday, July 10, 2008

zomg adderall!

okay, i've probably mentioned this before, but i'm not on my full dosage of adderall. so, i've been a tad bit on the grumpy side of late. my co-workers have noticed and aren't surprised at all when my comments are overly sarcastic and ever so slightly mean.

it's the PRE stage in my cycle too so that makes it all even worse. poor rigid, he's really learned to cope with my violent mood swings too. god i love that guy. now i want to cry! damn!

well, today, i was feeling too tired and too lazy to drink coffee to perk up in the am. i had my tea, but after a while it's just not enough so today i decided i'd take my adderall a few hours earlier than usual. holy hell can you tell the difference.

all of a sudden i'm all chatty with people, i'm walking around, i'm smiling and being friendly and just making dumb inane conversation with people. the second i realize it's almost uncontrollable i dummy up, go back to my desk and start to write. it's the best way to shut me up and keep my brain busy without having to really think much.

if i could bring myself to open up my book i'd really get a good dose of studying done. i'd probably get through the final chapter too! can't make yourself do something you don't want to do though. not even on adderall.

still, i love the way this medication has helped me. i'm different and i'm not afraid of it. i'm not the "lazy" tomboy my mom said i was. i never was. now i have not only the will, but the energy to do the things i want to accomplish and actually accomplish them. i've finished two of the most difficult exams of my life and i'm on my third. i've improved my relationship in leaps and bounds, i'm looking forward to the changes i'll have to make at work in order to advance and i'm NOT AFRAID. i'm not ashamed that i never graduated from high school. it's just not important, but that little fact, that little secret truth about me has really held me back in life.

i went to college, but never finished. i got a great job, but never went anywhere with it. i have hundreds of unfinished projects and countless number of hobbies i'd like to improve on and i feel like i can. if i put my mind to it.

here's the big one though. i've lost weight. it's true, i've not exactly done it the best way. i do eat properly and to keep my metabolism going i make sure i eat a little something at least 3-4 times a day. the big thing isn't the weight loss because i've done that before. the big thing is that when people tell me, "omg maha, you've lost so much weight!" when i've only lost 20 pounds it doesn't send me into a panic.

when someone walks by and said, "WOW! you're really wasting away! what are you doing? you look great." when i've only lost 30 pounds i don't actually start overeating on purpose so people stop paying so much attention to me. i don't start having anxiety. and i don't feel like if i lose weight something horrible is bound to happen to me. someone, somewhere and at some point will do something awful to me and i'll either succumb to it or worse...i'll have to fight.

you know what? i have probably lost close to 40 pounds. maybe more, i have no clue. all i know is i'm working my way out of my 3rd size down and i feel f'ing great. and you know what times 5? i don't care. i don't care if i exercise and you see me pouring in sweat. if you tell me i've lost weight, i'll agree with you. i might even show you how i'm just holding my pants up by the skin of my chubby thighs.

phew that felt good. now that i got all that out i feel like i can actually get up and talk to people like a normal human being. that's good, 'cause i was starting to feel a little freakydeaky. ZONK! lol :P

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